While Kerry is busy shaking hands, Maxner/Biffits will be busy shaking fists at would-be terrorists. And Kerry's only answers to national security are "flip and flop". Pick a hand. In addition, we won't freeze under pressure as Bush did on 9/11 in front of a bunch of 6-year olds. On the contrary, we will burn with the passion it takes to keep our country safe and protect freedom throughout the world. Below is our 4-point plan for protecting America from grave and gathering dangers that may come our way.
1. Keep American scared. How can we fight terrorism if we are not on our toes? Bush has done a good job of this, by casually throwing around terms such as "freedom" and "terrorism" until they no longer have significant meaning, but we can do better. We pledge to spend $2.5 billion on an aggressive propaganda campaign that will inform the American people that they are not safe. We must never forget the lessons of 9/11, which is to exploit national tragedies for political gain.
"Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger."
-- Herman Goering at the Nuremberg trials
2. Invade Saudi Arabia. Conservatives and liberals alike have been calling for this for the following reasons.
a. The Saudis were most involved in 9/11.
b. They have the #1 supply of oil, behind Iraq.
c. We can claim human right violations, since women have less freedom there than they ever did in Iraq.
Saudi Arabia will be invaded with Iraqi security forces, sparing American lives. In turn, we will use Saudi forces to invade Iran, Syria, and North Korea. If we take over the entire world, the threat of terrorism on our soil will be reduced significantly. We must do this before these nations can mount a reasonable defense against us. This will all work in conjunction with point #1.
3. Increase salaries of our brave men and women who serve. With foreign trained security forces doing our dirty work, and a flood of oil delivered to us at the prices we want, we can certainly afford it.
4. Accept Morocco's offer to use monkeys to clear minefields. Bush has been resistant to this for political reasons. We will not compromise the safety of our soldiers and refuse this generous offer from a powerful ally. Buck Maxner will work hard to ensure that animal rights are not violated. The army of mine-clearing monkeys will be composed of volunteers and those acquired from a limited draft, and they will be equipped with the best gear our tax dollars can buy.